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Funny
Feb 4, 2005 20:52:17 GMT -5
Post by sOuLcRuShEr on Feb 4, 2005 20:52:17 GMT -5
MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in Front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again.
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Funny
Feb 4, 2005 20:54:45 GMT -5
Post by sOuLcRuShEr on Feb 4, 2005 20:54:45 GMT -5
You're an EXTREME Redneck if...........
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. 5. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom so clean. 6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this." 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 9. Your junior prom offered day care. 10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines." 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16. You can't marry your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk
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Funny
Feb 12, 2005 13:58:04 GMT -5
Post by KoBkBricKtop on Feb 12, 2005 13:58:04 GMT -5
OMG these are priceless man!!!! ;D Ya should drop em into the jokes section ova at our forums sometime if ya get a chance bud! Damn, I'm still laughin n grinnin, hehe. ;D
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Funny
Feb 20, 2005 20:43:28 GMT -5
Post by sOuLcRuShEr on Feb 20, 2005 20:43:28 GMT -5
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Funny
Mar 3, 2005 8:41:39 GMT -5
Post by sOuLcRuShEr on Mar 3, 2005 8:41:39 GMT -5
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the???," he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back, "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
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Funny
Mar 8, 2005 13:22:34 GMT -5
Post by NightHawk on Mar 8, 2005 13:22:34 GMT -5
Lol i think grease is speaking from personal experience Hey /me understands grease has issues
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Funny
Mar 8, 2005 20:40:10 GMT -5
Post by sOuLcRuShEr on Mar 8, 2005 20:40:10 GMT -5
Lol i think grease is speaking from personal experience Hey /me understands grease has issues Yea... i got a fat ass nade issued to U
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Funny
Mar 9, 2005 3:38:38 GMT -5
Post by NightHawk on Mar 9, 2005 3:38:38 GMT -5
yeah i got a rifle coming your way
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Funny
Mar 17, 2005 13:22:46 GMT -5
Post by Pinecone1 on Mar 17, 2005 13:22:46 GMT -5
I live in Western Kentucky and sadly, I know people who can really relate to those redneck jokes. They're still funny though (I'm having to post as Pinecone1 until I can check my e-mail and get my login password)
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Funny
Apr 19, 2005 20:44:47 GMT -5
Post by sOuLcRuShEr on Apr 19, 2005 20:44:47 GMT -5
YES BOYS &GIRLS THIS IS THE EXCITING, BRAND NEW 2005 EDITION OF...
"You know you're a redneck when......." 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than y ou took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their estrooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65
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Funny
Apr 20, 2005 1:16:56 GMT -5
Post by sOuLcRuShEr on Apr 20, 2005 1:16:56 GMT -5
CHINESE BABY A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy! "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says.......... "Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
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Funny
Apr 21, 2005 12:38:52 GMT -5
Post by NightHawk on Apr 21, 2005 12:38:52 GMT -5
haha i like that 1 ;D
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Funny
May 4, 2005 21:13:57 GMT -5
Post by sOuLcRuShEr on May 4, 2005 21:13:57 GMT -5
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......."
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Funny
May 7, 2005 8:35:06 GMT -5
Post by sOuLcRuShEr on May 7, 2005 8:35:06 GMT -5
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+! 14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top
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Funny
May 12, 2005 8:36:22 GMT -5
Post by NightHawk on May 12, 2005 8:36:22 GMT -5
LOL but you cant really tell your friends that, its like an essay!!!! and some weird maths problem
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